A New Mode of Rankings

Back in 1979 this guy Mike McCormick introduced me to a ranking system involving (fictitious) baseball teams. One of the teams was originally called the Canton Candywrappers, but he changed the name to Coneheads. Because of course he did. It was 1979.

Since then, I have used the general concept to rank different types of groups. Characters on a show, actors, what have you. The best illustration I can give you is the cast of Friends:

Rachel: 13–4

Chandler: 12–4–1

Phoebe: 10–7

Monica: 8–9

Joey: 6–11

Ross: 0–17

Why is Ross 0–17? Because he has a date, wears leather pants, locks himself in the bathroom and then uses baby powder to either get them off or on. There was another one where he got with Rachel, where he lost 30–28. The name of that episode was ‘The one where Ross rode Space Mountain and lost anyway.’ No; I don’t like Ross.

Understand these are not actual games, that is, Rachel is not playing one of Ralph Maccio’s kids on Cobra Kai. (Although a best of seven between William Zabka and Ralph Maccio, featuring the virtual holographic Pat Morita, would shatter all viewing records in the free world)

Oddly, although Chandler was always my favorite character on Friends I have always had him just behind Rachel. Rachel had the Rachel haircut and would show her belly button on the show. Chandler’s got nothing to match that.

Another one is my favorite actors. This we can do on a ‘1000 Must’ system, where the leader gets 1000 points and the actors behind him get points relative to how they rank to the leader. For instance, todays rankings:

Denzel: 1,000

McConaughey: 995

Cumberbatch: 991

Pitt: 979

DiCaprio: 978.5

Clooney: 971

All bunched up pretty good. Keep in mind if Dan Dierdorf were on this list he would rank at minus 243. No, I don’t like him.

And even for all I said about Denzel in my last post, I’m always thinking if McConaughey gets him on just the right day, he could take him. Even with all I said, I’m like ‘Come on, Pete, McConaughey deserves better than the Silver.’ Cumberbatch would have a harder time knocking off Denzel; but as an actor he could definitely pass McConaughey on the right day. After that I’m not really sure, I think Clooney has had his day and Pitt and DiCaprio are at their best in Tarantino movies. Is that enough to get past the Big Three? Probably not.

The other ranking system we have is the plus/minus, which gives you more of a visual idea of who stacks up against who. Using sports commissioners, here we go:

Adam Silver (NBA): +75

Don Garber (MLS): +40 (he is excellent)

Gary Bettman: +25

Cathy Englehart (WNBA): +20

Jay Monihan (PGA) +15

John Middlebrook (NASCAR): +15

Roger Goodell: Minus 23

Rob Manfred: Minus 400

Silver I love. As good as the late David Stern was, Adam Silver is every bit is equal and more. Players love him. Owners love him. He makes it rain internationally like no one else. No commissioner has done more for women’s sports. On top of that he’s got a shaved skull and a self-effacing personality.

If you don’t know Don Garber, get to know him. A former NFL executive, MLS picked him as Commissioner when the league was at a crossroads. No one has done more to create a model for soccer specific stadiums AND getting them built AND building interest AND financial stability. It’s even to the point where cities are trying to poach teams (Austin, TX tried to land Columbus; in the end, Austin got a team and Columbus kept theirs). It’s still very much a niche sport, but their balance sheet are solid and it is one of the more competitive leagues today. Plus, unlike scumbags like Sepp Blatter, Garber seems to be a decent fellow, on the up and up.

The shocker is Gary Bettman. I really like him. He has maybe the worst wig I’ve ever seen, and if you saw him during the Stanley Cup Final he had tremors (Parkinson’s) but he had the vision and the guts to cancel a season and two more brutal lockouts. Now? There’s a league where literally anyone can win, and they just signed a huge deal with ESPN and Turner. Keep in mind that not long before Bettman came on board from the NBA, the NHL’s American contract was $5MM. FIVE MILLION. With SportsChannel America. Signed the day before the regular season. The $ he is getting from America doesn’t include the Canadian contract. Fans don’t like him, and the concussion issue is a huge negative that must be addressed. With that said, Bettman has grown that league, it’s very popular and he deserves a lot of credit.

Cathy Englehart is continuing the growth of the WNBA, Watch her rise. I need to see more from her but the WNBA is in good hands. Jay Monihan and John Middlebrook are not spectacular but steady.

As for the other two. Goodell makes it rain like I’ve never seen, but he’s just not a likable guy. And the NFL had a lockout a while ago and may have another one again. Given that the NFL is by far the most popular and lucrative league in the world, and that he added a 17th game and that Amazon is paying $1 billion for Thursday games, he’s not going anywhere. Like I said. Deal.

And as for Rob Manfred….as I have said many times the deal with the players should have been done two years ago. Instead, the Uncle Miltie memorial rolls on to its fourth month with no end in sight. ‘But the players don’t want to go to the table either’ ‘But the players have their own issues’ Poppycock. Poppycock on all. This shit has been going on for FIFTY YEARS. We’ve lost a World Series, we also had a season shortened by a third. They want all this jack to build stadiums where the taxpayers pay for the buildings and the teams keep all the revenue (an oversimplification, but still) As I said, I don’t care, other than the fact that Harvard Business School should use the history of player/owner negotiations as an example of what NOT to do.

Uh….what were we talking about here?

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to put up a ceiling fan. One of two. If you’re looking for me I’ll be playing ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’ The real version by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. Why? Because when Steve and Michele were pronounced man and wife, that’s what played over the Target Field sound system. (Ye gads, this year they could have picked ANY date!). BTW the version with Diana Ross never happened. Sorry, it didn’t.

By the way, Ceiling Fan No. 2 has been delivered. Out.



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